Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 3, 2019

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You’ll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.You won’t be immortalized upon death, specifically, but people will come from miles around to see the Tomb of the Unknown Guy Who Tried to Eat a Whole 6-Foot Sub In 30 Seconds.It’s not that she no longer loves you, it’s that she never did. She is a plastic doll and cannot love.The smell still won’t go away. It won’t. It won’t. It won’t.

You’ll take a long trip on a luxurious passenger train and meet a diverse group of travelers, all of whom will later collaborate to murder you.You’ve managed to maintain a little bit of mystery about yourself, but that will evaporate when they find the last two nurses’ bodies.The stars only allowed you to keep that kitten because you promised you’d feed it and clean up after it. Now put it in the shoe box and say goodbye.

 

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Hmm . . .

Coldhands2 what's the onion? I'm a Virgo.

Bit of an odd one this week 🤔🤣 Aries

Accurate!

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