Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old dear arrives at the door, smelling like a distillery tour, asking to see her granddaughters

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The idea of the old dear hosting The Late Late Toy Show is too funny to turn her away

I’m like, “Oh, for their birthday?” and I can see that she’s suddenly thrown by the question.I’m like, “Yeah, it was three months ago, you ridiculous-faced trollop.”

Out of the corner of her mouth, she goes, ‘Don’t let them hug me, Ross. I don’t want my cashmere to go all bally’At the top of her voice, she goes, “Hello there!” like me asking non-English speaker for directions. “Which one is this, Ross?”She goes, “I’m just nervous, that’s all.”She’s there, “Oh.”Out of the corner of her mouth, she goes, “Don’t let them hug me, Ross. I don’t want my cashmere to go all bally.

“I see,” she goes, then she turns to Johnny and she’s like, “Your father never wore a nappy, you know?” He reaches into the toy box and pulls out the plastic box with the – yeah, no – Lego in it. He rips off the lid and tips everything on to the bedroom floor.

 

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