South Secedes From NASCAR Following Confederate Flag Ban

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MONTGOMERY, AL—Declaring that they refused to be part of any institution that would endeavor to compromise their way of life, the South reportedly announced Thursday that they had seceded from NASCAR following the auto-racing company’s Confederate flag ban. “We hereby repudiate the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing for its shameful treatment of the Southern way of life and proclaim that all ties between us are formally dissolved, with great prejudice,” read a statement written by a group of elected officials from Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, South Carolina, and Texas, which also declared the formation of a new auto-racing organization devoted to the Southern cause, the Confederate Association for Stock Car Auto Racing, or CASCAR. “For too long, NASCAR has tried to rule our way of life without understanding it, and so we must throw off the tyrannical yoke of their automotive oppression. There comes a time when an auto-racing organization must become divided—when its races cease to represent all those states to whom it is supposed to provide entertainment. Our new CASCAR tracks will proudly fly the Confederate flag instead of the Union flag, as well as the disgraceful black-and-white starting flag and yellow caution flag used by our Northern aggressors, and we will race according to our own laws.” At press time, CASCAR challenged any NASCAR drivers brave enough to race in its upcoming Cracker Barrel Civil 500.